Have you seen people stay in a job they have hated for 20 years? Have you met a wife battered by her abusive husband but still choose to stay in the relationship? How about a gambler who knows the dangers of gambling but is still helpless in quitting? These stories are all too familiar, right?
What is happening to most people is that we are stuck in an unhealthy cycle in our lives. I’ve met a good number of people who live the mundane life of: waking up in the morning, travelling to work, putting up with work, travelling back to home, complaining about life in dinner then going off to sleep for the next day. No matter how much they complain about their lives and fantasize about their dreams, they always do something surprising the next day – they repeat the same meaningless routine over and over again.
The stagnant life may provide security and comfort….
Clinicians call these neurotic cycles; hinting that repeating it will never satisfy the person. To give the phenomenon a friendlier label to everyone, I simply call them ‘being stuck in their comfort zones.’ As you take another look at the samples above, you will notice that the people in question exist in situations and events that they are fully in control of. The staff always had a choice to leave the workplace, the battered wife always had the choice to leave her monstrous husband, and the gambler always had the choice to stop gambling and seek a source of income elsewhere.
So why don’t they leave? You may ask. It’s because they are all comfortable where they are. All human beings have a need for order and control. We plan and keep things as predictable, as certain, and as constant as possible. Man loves familiarity; so it really doesn’t matter if our zone of comfort is healthy for us or not. What matters is that our comfort zones keep life situations and events familiar to us and it keeps things predictable. The staff of 20 years may hate his job; but it still guarantees him an income for at least another month. The battered wife may be suffering physically, but deep inside her thoughts, she and her son is still guaranteed of a family and a roof above their head. The gambler may be losing tons of money, but he is still in the zone where he is guaranteed of a chance to have a bright financial future.
The problem with comfort zones is that it often becomes too comfortable that we begin to fear growing out of it. Likewise, anyone who has tried helping people leave their old familiar lives would have met tremendous resistance from the ones they’re helping. This is because we human beings fear the unknown and changing one’s life (even for the better) always mean greater uncertainties. One will hear the gamblers voice out: “without gambling, what will happen to me? What will happen to my life and freedom once I enter the workforce again?” Battered wives always avoid change by the thought that no one else will love them or that they can never again find a home to stay in. The 20-year employee will start having fearful thoughts: “where else can I go? Will I find another job? Will I end up unemployed? What if my new workplace is worse?” Breaking away from one’s comfort zone is never an easy task. Just ask every mother who have tried comforting their child on the very first day of school.
Until you realize what you’re really worth.
Life is all about changes and it is not healthy for people to remain in their comfort zones and dwell in stagnation. This will simply lead to meaninglessness, depression, and unproductivity. It is the psychologists and counsellors’ job to encourage people to get back on their feet and to begin outgrowing their comfort levels. We helpers, however, do not guarantee the person’s success or happiness upon leaving their comfort zones; but there are two things that we are certain of: that remaining in one’s comfort zone is no longer healthy for the person and remaining in their comfort zones is no longer sustaining their meaningful life. It is time for them to grow and move on to the next chapter of lives and live (not just exist) life to the fullest without fear or anxiety.
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