People see it all the time in counselling cases and in observing human development: A gambling addict having gamblers for parents, an abuser going through an abused past, an angry person raised by angry parents, and the list goes on and on. We simply fall prey to repeating our childhood experiences. These are important observations, and this I believe, will help us tremendously in understanding why people behave the way they do.
A good number of people have attempted to explain the patterns given above: Social Psychologists would refer to this as Observational Learning (children copy whoever or whatever model they observe); Psychoanalysts would shrug it off as an Oedipus Identification (children imitate their parents unconsciously), while Family Therapists would explain it as Generational Family Patterns (behavioral patterns that run in a family). Call it what you will but the bottom line is simple: We can only give to others what we have received from others.
Our identities are formed optimally during our childhood years. The child’s brain is so flexible, so innocent and empty that it is starving for information to be placed in it. Children simply absorb and learn things indiscriminately whether it is good or bad, painful or pleasurable. The child’s mind is readily taking down notes and unlike adults, children don’t have the critical tools to ward-off erroneous or unhealthy teachings. So, if one conveys to them that they are ‘bad kids’, then they will believe that they are bad kids and behave accordingly. If one tells them that they are incapable or unworthy, then their defenseless and unstable identities will learn exactly what they heard and act it out.
Knowing that we behave and act based on our formed identities as being good or bad, let us not be afraid of loving children and showing them our approval. Children who are loved will grow up to be loving adults, while children who were hurt will grow up to be hurtful adults. How can we expect dominated and fearful children to love freely when all they received was fear? In the same way, how can we expect children to show understanding and kindness when all they see at home are conflicts and hate? We are only human beings and we simply cannot give what we don’t have.
We punish because we received nothing but punishments, we condemn others because we received nothing but condemnation and we put others down because we lived our life being put down. So how do we then raise our children? The formation of a positive behavioral outcome is very much the same as the formation of a negative behavior. We go back to the formula: people give what they have received. I cannot install fear in my child and expect him to grow up with high self-esteem just as much as I cannot expect my child to be successful when I’ve been telling him all the while that he is worthless. Instead, we show children what patience is so they will show patience, we give them grace and kindness so they, in turn, will show graciousness; we show them love, and they will show love.
Childhood is a time for receiving while adulthood is a time for giving. If they have not received, how can we expect them to give? Let’s start by showing them what love really is, fill up their emotional tanks and enjoy the latter years of our lives reaping what we have sown in the hearts of today’s generation of children.
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